Letter from the road

Issue 3 – Adapting

Something the road brought up this time

Recently, after three months in Oman, we have moved to Kenya. When we enter a new country, we always feel a bit unsure. Unsteady on our feet. Suddenly, all that we knew and that felt familiar has changed. New language, new social norms, new expectations. Once again, we find ourselves asking the question; how much should we adapt when we become the outsider?

What makes adjusting difficult 

So, what behaviour is normal? What is normal in this new culture, might not (yet) be normal for us. In the end, normal is just what we are used to. And what we are used to, may not work in the new cultural context. It’s making us feel insecure. We need to calibrate, and that takes time. The first days in a new culture can be very intense, until we figure out the basic protocols. So we observe and learn. We try to figure out the do’s and don’ts. Slowly, things start to feel more familiar again. But, only after several weeks or months, you start to see the more subtle aspects of a culture that shape the way that people interact. What makes adjustment hard, is that you cannot suddenly neutralize your own cultural background. Everything that shaped you, you take it with you. It is always there. Oftentimes you respond without thinking, like a reflex. Only afterwards you may see where it went off. We need time to internalise the new behaviour and use the new skills in the moment. So observing and learning what happens in a new culture is one thing, but actually rewriting your behaviour is a lot more difficult! You have to be very aware of all you say and do at  all times. 

Comparing and observing

So, we moved from Oman to Kenya. By plane, while our truck is on its way by ship. Usually, with every land border we cross, changes in culture are subtle. But now, we did not just cross a border. We switched to a completely different continent and culture. In addition, when traveling the Arabian Peninsula, there were two cultures roughly in the mix: Our own European one and the Arabic one. We compared the two cultures and learned similarities and differences. We have been long enough on the Arabian peninsula to know our way around things. But now, the African culture has entered the mix. We now compare all that we experience with our own culture ánd the Arabian one, making it both more interesting and more complicated. Comparing cultures is what helps us understand the differences we encounter. To get a handle on the chaos. But it is also a pitfall. When you start comparing, you almost automatically start to label what you see, and easily one thing is “better” than the other and you start judging. For us the challenge is to stay open and curious, stick to observing and experiencing. In the end, every culture exists because of it’s own history, climate, religion and other influences. So maybe the culture works for that country and its people and does not need our opinion?

How we try to learn and adapt

When we visit a country, we feel humble as guests in the home of other people. They did not ask for us to come, they do not owe us anything. We want to learn their customs. Not because we don’t value our own customs, but because we want to show our respect as guests and because we are interested in learning new perspectives.

What should we keep from our Dutch culture, and what is better to let go for now? And what can we bring from the Arabic Peninsula that we learned to value, and what is best left behind? If every culture leaves a mark on you, who are you adapting from? 

So we try to keep it practical. We read up on local customs – get the basic do’s and don’ts. Which clothes are considered decent? For example, on the Arabic Peninsula, we had to lean very modest. Now, we feel naked when we enter the supermarket in shorts, even though it is very normal and acceptable. Should we tip, and how much? Should we negotiate prices? We learn at least a few words in the local language. How to greet someone or say thank you? 

After arriving, we look around, try to observe how locals interact. In this way, we try to learn how to show that we value people in a way that they understand, by following their customs and using their language in the little ways that we can. 

But in the end, respect doesn’t start with knowledge but with curiosity. We experience that making contact and asking is both a great way to show appreciation and learn more about local customs. And people notice when you are trying and making an effort to learn and understand, making them open up, helpful and forgiving when you do make mistakes. It is okay that we are not perfect, what matters is that we make an effort. 

Are we responsible?

But, we do think sometimes about this: How much responsibility do we have to adapt and try to understand? How far do we go? What is the bare minimum? Can you even say there is a baseline for this or is it mainly a personal choice? 

We ourselves go to great lengths to learn and adjust. But we have seen many European tourists not bother at all. It does cost both time and energy. During a couple of weeks holiday, there might not be enough time to actually learn, adapt and understand. And, you probably mainly want to rest and reload. But, is that an excuse to be ignorant and potentially disrespectful to local people and customs?

We have seen examples of people being both completely ignorant – a busload of tourists in the very traditional city Nizwa eating and drinking in plain sight during Ramadan – and very judgemental – “They are not working hard” – while the underlying problem is that they are not understanding what works differently. 

Long term travelers usually have a different energy level and more time. Maybe this also means that the longer you travel in a certain country, the more responsibility you have to make an effort to prepare, learn and adapt? To be aware of the mark that you leave when you travel through a country?

And what about expats and immigrants (who are actually one and the same)? They usually have years to learn and adapt. Should every expat by default integrate as much as they can?

The bigger picture

The more we think about adaptation abroad, the more we realise this question is not just about travel. It also makes us wonder what we expect from people who come to live in our own country.

As soon as people come to our country, either as tourist or as immigrant, the general opinion seems to be that people should immediately and absolutely adapt and respect our culture. This is even worse when it comes to expats and immigrants. We almost demand of them to learn and adjust. We even have a word for it: “inburgeren”. Becoming a proper Dutch citizen.

Yet, surprisingly often, we meet expats who make little effort to learn the language, understand local customs or build friendships outside their own community. Who are judgemental about the customs of the country. We have met Dutch people who do this too. We really do not know many people that gave us a more inspiring example. And honestly, the Dutch and other Western nationalities can be very arrogant when it comes to their own culture. We did see many examples of people actually walking around like they were better than everyone else, just because they have a different normal and think their normal is better.

How do you see it? Is adapting a sign of respect or should cultural differences simply be accepted on both sides? Where do you draw that line when you are the visitor? And where do you draw it when someone visits your home?

If you feel like writing back — start wherever you are.

Until the next letter,

Douwe and Karlijn

Your correspondents from the road